The Queue

There’s a myth that British people like to queue. 

I am sure that there are some of my fellow countrymen who like to stand in a line of people waiting to fulfil a mundane task or perhaps even wish to be rewarded after patiently waiting for the people in front of them. 

But let me tell you one thing: I am British and I bloody well hate queuing. 

It’s not so bad if there are only one or two people in front of me but if the queue has more than ten people you will see this particular Englishman, externally at least, roll his eyes in frustration. Internally I will be cursing, chastising myself for not getting to the queue earlier and generally my mood will plummet. If you are in the queue with me the only sign that you will see of inner self-loathing will be sighs of frustration and trying to look ahead to see how quickly the queue is actually moving. 

If you could read my mind you would be appalled at the language of my inner voice. You would hear me mentally yelling at the people in front of me to hurry up while at the same time cursing the person who is dealing with the queue for not processing people quickly enough. 

Those weird people who actually enjoy queuing say that it gives them the opportunity to chat to people in the queue. Have you ever heard strangers in a queue talking to each other? They aren’t talking about how much they love queuing. They are talking about how much they hate queuing. It’s a walking paradox or more accurately a queuing paradox.

People also say that “Patience is a virtue” and I am a very patient person – unless I am in a queue when all traces of patience are expelled from my brain.

I have numerous examples of being involved in a long queue and things that piss me off about standing in line. Here’s just one – a simple one:

I’ve just returned from Nice and while queuing at airport security, there was a person in front of me asking questions about what he should put in the tray to go through the sensors. 

“Do I have to take my coat off? What about my belt? I’ve got a laptop in my bag, does that have to come out of the bag too? What about my keys? What about my phone? Do I have to take my shoes off? What about my watch and my glasses? And my wallet? And the coins in my back pocket? Oh – and I have some liquids. What’s the upper limit?”

Now these are all reasonable questions because every airport is different and the technology for scanning you and your hand luggage varies. Nevertheless, the queue-hater in me comes out screaming. My inner voice shrieks:

“CAN’T YOU READ? There are signs EVERYWHERE answering all of these questions FOR YOU!” 

This only happens in my head of course, otherwise I would probably be arrested because there are signs warning you about being aggressive or just a very grumpy person in a queue. Outside I appear to be the calmest person in the world but inside I am a ranting monster and a raving lunatic. This is what queuing does to me.

If it were up to me, queues would be abolished. Practically speaking of course that is impossible because queues exist for a reason and they exist worldwide. 

I have no answers. Queues are sadly a part of life and are inevitable. 

However, there is one British stereotype about queuing that I embrace whole-heartedly. And that is when I see somebody trying to jump into the queue. British people HATE queue jumpers and the usual so-called polite and reserved Englishman will act immediately if he thinks somebody is committing the cardinal sin of queue jumping. 

Here’s an example of a subtle technique used that Englishmen would react to instantly. This is highlighted by Larry David, an American, but the principle is the same:

Such behaviour in England is wholly unacceptable and can cause outrage. 

For example, we had a couple of minor celebrities called Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby who, at the time of the Queen’s death, were generally quite well-liked and respected (not by me but that’s a different story).  They had a TV magazine show called “This Morning” that was very popular. 

It all threatened to fall apart for them when they committed the cardinal queuing sin. The queue in question was to see Queen Elizabeth II lying in state and the length of the queue was enormous. Famous people mingled with your everyday Brit just to pay their respects and queued for more than twelve hours. 

Imagine that: QUEUING FOR 12 HOURS! 

However, Schofield and Willoughby used their “job” as an excuse to jump the queue and many people caught them on camera doing just that. There was complete outrage throughout the country. Many avid viewers of their show threatened to boycott the pair of them and for a time it looked like they were going to lose their jobs. 

They were forced to apologise:

Queuing is bad enough but having to queue while driving takes it to a new and higher level. And queue jumpers in this situation are treated as if they are beneath contempt. 

Picture the scene. You are driving on a three lane motorway and two of the lanes are blocked or closed a couple of miles ahead. This means that everybody in the two closed lanes has to merge into the one open lane. There is usually ample notice so the right thing to do is to gradually edge over to merge. People in the open lane acknowledge this and are quite happy to let people merge in gradually. However, there are some people (and let’s call them by their true name – arseholes) who decide that they are going to avoid the queues to merge and just rush down to the blockage itself and merge there thus avoiding most of the queue. This is a crime that should be punishable by law in the eyes of most people and as soon as people in the queue recognise what is happening, they all band together to stop the arsehole from merging. 

Similarly this can happen if people try to avoid queuing for a turnoff by waiting until the last minute to join those who have been queuing for ages. At this point road rage can definitely enter the equation and you can see some of the reactions if you look up queue jumping cars in Britain, where people post dashcam footage to name and shame the drivers. 

Queue jumping seems to be more rife abroad. I was in Crete many years ago and queuing to get on a boat when all of a sudden a bunch of Germans tried to push in at the front as if there were no such thing as queue etiquette. They were quickly dispatched to the back of the queue by a rather angry English lady at the front. 

This is what queuing does to people.

Next time you are in a queue try thinking about being in the queue with me. You will see a calm person queuing in an orderly fashion, occasionally rolling his eyes or sighing. If you try talking to me I will say something like “I wish this queue would hurry along.” But know that my inner hulk is raging. Thankfully nobody will ever see that inner hulk nor will you hear me reciting the lyrics in the following song. I hate queuing but I will never be a queue jumper:

Incomplete Thoughts

Welcome to a sunny and warm South Manchester, where the sun is shining from a blue sky with a few white clouds dotted around. Today my younger sister is visiting from Harrogate so I just have time to squeeze in a few silly questions from Sunday Stealing.  

Actually, as the title of this post suggests it’s more to do with completing some thoughts. Let’s dive in shall we. 

1. I wish someone would ...

I wish someone would grant me a thousand wishes. I wouldn’t abuse them I promise. 

Perhaps my first wish would be to force all politicians to actually tell the truth when they are so pompously and blatantly lying to our faces. This would make a good future blog post actually so watch this space. 

2. When I order Chinese food ...

When I order Chinese food I always suggest sharing the dishes that we order so that we can enjoy a variety of food. 

This is the only cuisine I do with this actually because my normal approach is this:

However, I love Chinese food (especially in China itself) so I am happy to sample the delights of other people’s dishes and allow them to sample mine. It’s hypocritical I know but then I’m not perfect by any means. 

3. I know it's not everyone's favourite activity, but I actually enjoy ...

I know it's not everyone's favourite activity, but I actually enjoy watching cricket. 

Since I retired, I have joined Lancashire Cricket Club which means that I can pop up to Old Trafford to watch cricket matches. I had a chat with a friend on WhatsApp about this and the conversation went like this: 

MATE: So how’s retirement?

PM: It’s great – I’ve got a few cricket matches booked.

MATE: Jeez!! Cricket???? If you’re that bored why don’t you come back to work?

PM: HA HA! I’d rather watch paint dry in a dark cellar than come back to work.

MATE: Watching paint dry is more interesting than watching cricket!!

I understand that a lot of people don’t like cricket but there is nothing more relaxing than watching a nice game of cricket on a sunny day with the occasional beer. I enjoy it and I will be renewing my membership next season too. 

5. A major pet peeve of mine is ...

A major pet peeve of mine is listening to people who bullshit about how good they are. 

You know the kind of people (we’ve all met them). Whatever you tell them you’ve been doing or have achieved, they have done the same thing better than you or they have made a bigger mess of it than you. 

It’s like a competition with them. I knew a bloke like this many years ago who used to tell tall stories and exaggerate to the point where he was unbelievable. 

One day there were four us on a site trip to Amsterdam and one of my mates said that he had been camping in the Lake District and had an encounter with a fox during the night. Mr Bullshit said: 

“That’s nothing. I was camping in Yosemite and on that trip, I had to hide from a bear. And as I hid, I heard screams. I went outside after ten minutes and found an unconscious bloke. I dragged him into my tent to keep him warm but when I woke up he was dead. I spent most of the night with a corpse.”

We didn’t believe him at all because this was a typical tall tale. The Lake District in the UK became Yosemite in the US, the fox became a bear and he threw in a corpse for good measure as a sort of icing on the cake. The more we scrutinised his story the more huge holes we found.

Later, that same evening, we saw a pinball machine in a bar. 

“I don’t want to play pinball,” he insisted. 

“Why not?” we asked. 

“Because I’m just too good – I’ll beat you all. I’ve won loads of money off  people because I’m so good.”

By this stage we were totally sick of his bullshit. We challenged him to play and eventually he gave in. One of our number had only played pinball once or twice and I was pretty poor too. We played three times each and each time Mr Bullshit finished last. Even the guy who had only played once or twice beat him easily. 

I have a few other tall tales he told but maybe I’ll save that for a separate post. 

6. I remember when my grandfather ...

I remember when my grandfather told me about his wartime experience. 

My dad’s dad was involved in World War II and was captured in Europe. My grandmother was told that he was missing in action and assumed the worst. When the war was over, he came back and turned up on the front door. Apparently he said “Hi love, I’m back.” 

My grandmother promptly fainted, so I was told. 

7. I am not fazed at all by ...

I am not fazed at all by the things people say about me. 

To be honest, I used to care a lot when I was younger but these days I have a thick skin and when somebody criticises me I just ignore it. I think it’s probably due to having worked with one or two over-critical managers over the years and in the end I used to ignore them completely. 

The vast majority of people I’ve had as managers have been amazing and some are still good mates. Nevertheless you get the odd one who doesn’t have a good word for anybody. 

It’s the “I’m better than you so I will say what I like and you will do it.” attitude that used to really annoy me. 

As my career progressed I stopped listening to such people and their opinions and started to fight back or just call them out or, best of all, just ignore them.

8. Long car rides ... 

Long car rides bore me to tears. 

In the UK most car rides are reasonably short. The longest one I have been on was from Manchester to Cornwall and that took hours and was tedious. But that is short compared to some in other countries. In Australia for example we drove from Brisbane to Sydney over several days, stopping off at various places. However, one day, we basically set off in the morning and arrived late at night and I was so bored even though I was in a different country. It’s the same in America. I love to travel but I hate getting there. 

9. I don't understand the fuss over ...

I don’t understand the fuss over the royal family. 

Some people in the UK get really upset when you criticise the royal family. They are human beings just like the rest of us and they are therefore subject to the same flaws that we all have. 

I don’t hate them; I just don’t get it and I certainly don't care what happens to them. . 

10. When I'm home alone ...

When I’m home alone, like I am now, I always find something to entertain the introvert inside of me. 

As I said, my sister is arriving later today and that is when I will unleash the extrovert. For now though, the introvert is in charge and when Mrs PM gets home later, he will pop back into his little room in my mind. 

I love the introvert.

The Motto Grotto

Welcome to a dreary and rainy South Manchester. I’ve been busy over the last week going to a gig, evenings out with friends and family and watching cricket so I am quite happy to have a boring Saturday to reset a little. 

And what better way to spice up things with a silly post answering silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. What's your life's motto?

I don’t have one, but by the time I have finished this question I will have created one. I did spot some amusing ones when I looked on the internet for inspiration so I’ll share those with you first:

Don’t give up on your dreams – keep sleeping.

Arrive late. Get there as soon as you want to. 

Be happy. It drives people crazy. 

Age doesn’t matter – unless you are cheese.

Don’t be superstitious. But you can be a little stitious if you like.

Life’s too short to be normal so just stay weird.

Actually, I like that last one, mainly because I am a weirdo myself. I think life mottos are supposed to be uplifting and positive and, generally, I don’t go for these positive affirmations because they make me cringe. Here are some examples:

There is no one better to be than myself.

Today I choose to be confident.

I’m good enough, strong enough, brave enough, capable enough and smart enough.

The world is a great place because I am in it.

I can understand why people love them and why they work, but personally I find them a little condescending and irritating. See what I mean? I’m a weirdo. 

Anyway, I’ve had enough time to come up with my own life motto. Here it is:

Ignore people who don’t want to be your friend. It’s their loss not yours.

Actually, that makes me cringe inwardly too. Here’s another:

Laughter is your best friend. The world is a weird place and there is also something to laugh at, even when times are hard. 

2. Where were you living 13 years ago?

I was living in the same house as I do now. We moved in way back in May 2002. I remember the year because it was the year after the 9/11 attacks (see later). 

3. Is anyone jealous of you?

I seriously doubt it, though I think there are a few of my ex-work colleagues who are envious of the fact that I have retired. When I see them, I usually ask how they are and, invariably, they say “Well work is a little crap at the moment”

To which I reply: “What is this “work” of which you speak?”

They usually reply with an expletive filled sentence. I need to stop making fun of them. 

4. Where were you when you heard about the 9/11 terror attacks?

I was at work and it was in the afternoon UK time. 

I received a text message from a friend who rarely sends text messages, saying “An aeroplane has just hit the World Trade Center”. I mentioned it to my colleagues and we started chatting about it thinking that it was a tragic accident. However, another colleague shouted across “Another plane has hit the other tower”. 

We were shocked and we heard that management had the news on TV upstairs in the office boardroom, so I popped upstairs to see what was happening. We all stood there in shock at the terrible images as we watched events unfold on the BBC. 

I decided to leave work early and drove home to watch the coverage on BBC news only to discover the full extent of the horror. Mrs PM arrived home later and she too was shocked, especially when the two towers collapsed. 

It kind of hit home to me because two years earlier, Mrs PM and I had been to New York for New Year with a couple of friends. We stayed in Tribeca and could see the twin towers from our hotel bedroom. I remember walking down from the hotel to the Financial District and we actually had breakfast in a diner that was very close to the World Trade Center. We were going to go to the top of one of the towers but my fear of heights got the better of me and we didn’t bother. 

I love New York and the whole thing was very upsetting. I thought about all of the commuters we saw in the morning on their way to work and the police and firemen that we saw doing their jobs in the city. 

I remember The Square Diner, a little place in Tribeca where we had breakfast every other day we there, with the free refills of “cwoffee” (I love the New York accent). I remember being in Times Square to witness New Year 1999 in the freezing cold temperatures and then heading to an Irish bar nearby where we stayed until 2am. I remember seeing so many yellow taxi cabs in the wee small hours of the morning as we made our way back to the hotel. 

My heart was with New York and the people of America that day. And it still saddens me when I think about it, especially answering this question.

5. Do you consider yourself kind?

I am quite a kind person I think. I will always try to help friends and family and also people I don’t know if I can. Why wouldn’t you?

6. Can you change your car's oil?

Absolutely not. I can do half the job, which is add oil to the car. But changing the oil means crawling under the car and, I’ve heard, it can be tricky. I’d rather a qualified person at the garage do that. 

7. What's the last thing you heard about your first love?

I have made no effort to find out anything about my first real girlfriend. I was just an eighteen year old kid, getting ready to go to university and she was sixteen. We both lived in Walsall and my parents really liked her, especially my mum who thought that I would end up marrying her. Unfortunately it wasn’t to be and although we were together for a year, the prospect of leaving Walsall made me think deeply about our relationship. We had an argument and in the heat of the moment I ended the relationship, much to my mum’s disappointment. The last time I saw her was about three years later when I had returned from Liverpool for the summer. I bumped into her in a pub in Walsall and we exchanged pleasantries for a couple of minutes. I haven’t seen her since, nor have I tried to find out anything about her. 

8. Have you ever been burned by love?

Oh yes. At university I really liked a girl, who I will call X, and she ripped out my heart. The worst thing about it was that she did so in front of her best friend who kind of helped her to deliver the terrible news that she didn’t want to go out with me at all. I was devastated. 

Then about two years later, I was in a pub in Manchester and I saw a woman who I recognised from somewhere. She was with her boyfriend and, fuelled by a little alcohol, I plucked up the courage to ask her if we had ever met. She told me that she didn’t recognise me at all but then asked a little bit about me in case we perhaps had met before and forgotten. We both discovered that we were both at Liverpool University at the same time as was her boyfriend and we had a good conversation and reminisced about the time. Eventually she said:

“It’s a shame I didn’t know you at university. You’re a nice lad and I think we would have been good mates.”

And at that moment, I suddenly recognised her. And I was filled with horror. It was X’s best friend, the one who had laughed when X tore my heart out and threw it to her hellhounds as a chew toy:

At that point, I made an excuse to leave and we shook hands and I somehow managed to smile as those feelings of rejection resurfaced. 

That was almost four decades ago. Wow – that makes me feel so old. 

9. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?

I went to a horse race meeting at Haydock Park a couple of weeks ago and I paid for my seven bets with cash. I’m not a gambler really but it is fun. I ended up losing just £10, so it wasn’t that bad a day. It could have been worse. 

10. Do you hug your friends?

Yes, generally I do, both male and female. I usually leave it to the other person to choose, especially if they are female. 

Odd Ones

 

Generally I don’t like power ballads. To be honest, I don’t know what constitutes a power ballad because different people define them differently. According to a definition I found: 

A power ballad is a slow rock song with a strong, emotional vocal delivery and typically a grandiose production.

Since the 1980’s almost all rock bands I love have produced at least one of these songs. I recently went to an open air tribute band festival where there was a Def Leppard tribute who apologised to the audience for playing two power ballads. I must admit that I used that time to have a comfort break because as much as I love the band, I am not a fan of their power ballads. It’s the same story with other bands too. 

Power ballads are very popular and sometimes the most popular songs by certain bands fall into that category. People who don’t generally like heavy metal or hard rock find power ballads by such bands acceptable because the songs drift more towards their taste. 

A good example of this is a female member of my extended family, who shall remain nameless and hates my music with a passion. She is an elderly lady in her mid 70’s, and she loves boy bands and her favourite artist is Barry Manilow. She claims to be a “Fanilow” and has dragged her poor husband to see him on a couple of occasions. When we visit her, she always makes a point of putting on music by Take That to wind me up (because I despise them). Last Christmas we were in a car with her and just to completely irritate me, she put on “Stay” by East 17 which made me feel like opening the door and taking my chances with the leaping out of the car travelling at 50mph – anything to rid my brain of that dreadful song. 

I think you get the idea – there is no intersection whatsoever in our musical taste. 

Or at least I didn’t think so. A couple of years ago, she declared that she likes a song by “one of those awful bands that you like, Dave”.

I laughed and told her that was impossible, but then she put it on. It was “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith. 

Now I love Aerosmith and have seen them live about three times – but I am not a fan of this power ballad at all and suffice it to say, I returned the wind up by telling her that they did a lot of songs like that. She allowed me to play “Dude Looks Like a Lady” which definitely is not a power ballad. I laughed as she ordered me to turn it off. 

Nevertheless, there are some power ballads that I like. My musical taste is actually pretty eclectic and my motto is that if a song appeals to me in any way I will listen to it whatever genre it is. This is the basis of the now ever-increasing overlap between my taste in music and Mrs PM’s that has created a massive Spotify play list. 

We always thought that our two tastes were mutually exclusive but the Covid pandemic proved both of us wrong. This is why I am going to see one of Mrs PM’s favourite bands, called Massive Attack and the brand new Coop Live indoor arena in Manchester this Thursday evening. It is the biggest indoor arena in the UK and it only opened last year. I haven’t been yet and I can’t believe that my first gig will be one of Mrs PM’s favourite artists.

Here is a song that I like by the band (in case you haven’t heard of them). It’s an ambient electronic song, which is a genre I quite like, and it’s called “Teardrop”:

Now to the point of this post. As I said above, there are a few power ballads that I like so I thought I would share them with you. I generally find power ballads are too mushy, especially those by the likes of Bon Jovi who love to sing about love and give me the urge to find a vomit bag. None of the ones below are about love, but they are beautiful songs. 

I hope you like these odd ones.

The first is a beautiful song called “The Answer Lies Within” by Dream Theater which is about finding courage within yourself and learning from your setbacks to make you stronger.

Next is Devin Townsend singing “Spirits Will Collide” which has the same subject matter as the previous one. 

Next is Riverside with the great title “Lost (Why Should I Be Frightened By a Hat?)” which talks about moving forward having reflected on one’s past. 

Next is Queensrÿche with “Silent Lucidity”, which at first listen seems to be an uplifting song about supporting somebody who has problems but is really a song about controlling people’s dreams. 

Finally, a beautiful song by Steven Wilson called “Deform to Form a Star”. I have no idea what it is about but I do know that it isn’t about love.

I think this goes to prove that I will give some bands a chance (apart from Take That or Barry Manilow of course). 

10 Things

Welcome to South Manchester on a sunny Sunday afternoon. Yesterday I went to my first cricket match of the season so I thought I would find a little time today to write a blog post from Sunday Stealing having just been to the cinema to watch the latest Mission Impossible film. 

It’s been a busy May with a lot of things going on and June looks like it is going to be the same. It involves cricket, gigs and a trip to the South of France, which I will undoubtedly talk more about in the coming weeks. 

For now, however, let’s dive in with silly questions. 

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?

Every single one of them. Tell me: who actually enjoys paying bills? There are a lot of bills, especially household ones and largely they are automatically paid, which means that I don’t see them arrive nor do I see the money depart. However, the ones that appear out of the blue are quite annoying, for example anything to do with the car, balance payments for holidays, surprise household bills. 

We seem to be having a bit of bad luck at the moment in terms of surprise household bills. The toaster has just decided to shuffle off this mortal coil, the catch on the glove compartment of my car has failed and various other things are going wrong. It’s not much in the grand scheme of things and Mrs PM and I do prepare for such issues. Nevertheless they are still annoying. 

I guess the answer to this question is that I hate paying surprise bills the most. 

2. Which restaurant would you recommend for a romantic dinner?

I know quite a few restaurants but we always tend to go to a little place called No. 4,  which is tucked away in a little cobbled side street. It’s quite intimate and the food is very good. We usually go there on birthdays or if we just fancy a treat. 

3. Who was your first grade teacher?

In the UK school years have changed since I was a kid. The equivalent of first grade is called “Year 2” here but back when I was at school it was called something else. Anyway, I believe first grade is for kids aged 6 to 7 and I think my teacher was called Mrs McConville who, at the time, was considered a little fierce. 

I went to a Catholic infants and junior school that was associated with and stood next door to a Catholic church. I was quite a bright kid and I have vague memories of being ahead of almost all kids in my class, which meant that she actually quite liked me. 

In later years I wasn’t the best behaved child but back at the age of 6 or 7 I was a model pupil. Mrs McConville quite liked that and I have fond memories of her. I may have had a different opinion had she been fierce with me though. 

4. What should you be doing right now?

I am doing exactly what I should be doing - writing this post. I have completed a few chores today and been to the cinema so I intend to finish this just in time for dinner followed by a relaxing Sunday evening. 

5. What did you want to be when you were growing up?

I had thoughts about being an astronaut and that’s the only thing I recall wanting to do. Of course, reality kicked in and I realised that being an astronaut was too difficult and too scary. From that moment on I had no idea what I wanted to be and ended up relying on my academic strengths to guide me. 

6. How did you choose the shirt you're wearing right now?

I am wearing a T-shirt and I chose it on a clothing store web site because I liked the colour. 

7. Gas prices! What's your first thought?

In the UK, “gas” is known as petrol so I assume that you are talking about that rather than the gas that is used on a gas cooker or a gas fire. To be honest, when I first went to America, I found it funny that they referred to “gas stations” and filling up at such a place was a little strange. In the UK we call them “petrol stations”. 

Petrol prices in the UK are exorbitant and I have always hated them. There is a term called “rip-off Britain” covering how things can be overpriced here compared to the rest of the world and petrol or “gas” is one of the biggest offenders. When I was working in Oman, I was shocked at how cheap petrol was over there. Here is a comparison of the average prices per country (converting to US dollars and using UK gallons as on 1st June 2025). 

In Oman you pay $2.82.

In the USA you pay $4.21.

In Australia you pay $4.69.

In the UK you pay (wait for it) $8.13.

There are more expensive countries (but not many). For example:

In Italy you pay $8.83.

In Switzerland you pay $9.41. 

The most expensive is Hong Kong which is a whopping $15.63. 

The cheapest is Libya, which is $0.12.

So my first thoughts are “overpriced” and “Bloody rip off!”

8. Do you have a teddy bear?

No. I haven’t had a teddy bear since I was about three years old. To be honest, I would be worried about myself if at the age of 62 I was still taking a teddy bear to bed or in fact still owned one. 

9. Do you own the last book you read, or did you get it from the library?

Funnily enough, I am thinking of rejoining the Manchester Library because it offers many other services outside the simple lending of books. I own a Kindle because I read a lot and travel a lot and  books are heavy in luggage. I own all of the books that I read these days but they are stored on a Kindle which means that I can store a huge number that Mrs PM can’t force me to get rid of.

10. Did you more recently send a text or write a Post It?

I don’t really send text messages anymore nor do I use Post It’s. I think the last time I used a Post It was when I was a couple of years ago with work. These days I use WhatsApp an awful lot, and I guess that counts as texting. 

8 Things

Welcome to a sunny Friday afternoon in South Manchester where we are in a bit of a dry spell, after a wonderful April and May with little rain and wall to wall sunshine (with one or two exceptions where it was cloudy). 

I’ve been away for a while to Malta, with Mrs PM and her mum, as it is her 80th birthday in a week or so. We stayed in Valletta, which is the capital, and did a lot of sight-seeing and exploration. It was my second trip the Malta, the first being a few years ago where we stayed in the north of the island in the town of Mellieħa. 

It’s a lovely place with a rich and varied history and well worth a visit. 

Let’s dive into some silly questions from Sunday Stealing which this week tries to expose a few things about me. 

1. What habit do you wish you could break?

There are several that I would like to break, chief amongst them being procrastination, which I am slowly managing to do, now that I have more time on my hands. There are still moments during this war that I choose to give in but I am getting there – slowly.

My other major habit that I want to rid myself of is caring to much about the news. I used to rant mercilessly and now I try not to do it. But whenever I see the news I find that I am starting to fume about it. All I want to know is what is going on in the world but almost every day there is something going on that is either related to the Israel war, or the Ukraine war or a consequence of the malignant narcissism of the Orange Goblin that is currently running amok in the United States. 

I won’t bore you with my views on that (I think you can guess), which is a step in the right direction I suppose. 

2. Where is your favourite vacation spot?

I have a couple of places. 

In Asia, it is Hong Kong and we are planning to go there again next year on the way back from Malaysia. 

In Europe, I love the coast of Andalusia, especially Marbella. We haven’t visited that lovely coastal town for a while so hopefully we will try next year. Also, I love the city of Nice in the Provence-Alpes-Côte d'Azur region of France. It is a great city in its won right but it is also a centre for exploring other wonderful places like Cannes, Antibes and Monaco. In fact we are going there again next month for a week. 

In other places, I love New York, Toronto and San Francisco and, of course, Japan which is the weirdest yet most exciting place I have been to. 

3. How many years of formal education have you completed?

I started school aged 5 back in 1967 at a Catholic infants school and then progressed to the junior school until 1974, when I enrolled at a grammar school in Walsall, where I remained until I was 18 years old. After I left, I went to Liverpool University for three years, leaving in 1984. I guess that means that I had 17 years of formal education. 

4. Have you ever had a job that required you be certified or licensed?

No, but my job did require a degree in IT. Of course as part of my job it was possible to become certified in various products in order to advance your career. 

5. Do you enjoy camping?

I’ve only ever camped in the back garden once as a child and I didn’t particularly enjoy it. I have never been since, nor am I tempted to.

6. Tell us about a time you got away with something.

I once accidentally sent an internal email describing a problem on a customer’s system to the customer himself with the final line “Under no circumstances should we tell the customer about this until we have figured out a way to fix the problem.”

When I realised what I had done, I quickly reworded that final line to be “We should tell the customer about this problem as soon as possible and inform them about the work around to avoid the issue.”

The customer read just the second email (which had the same title as the first one) and then replied to me saying “Thanks for being so honest with us.”

That was a really near miss. 

7. Where have you lived the longest, and what do/did you like best about it?

My current house in South Manchester is the pace where I have lived the longest. This month marks the 23rd anniversary of moving in. The location is ideally placed with a fast route into the centre of the city and it is also close enough to the Cheshire countryside, which begins about 20 minutes away in a car. I am also about five miles from Manchester Airport, which is very convenient for travel. 

8. When you were a kid, were more of your playmates boys or girls?

I had friends from both sexes but they were mostly boys I think, as I liked to play football and other sports. Over my years in Walsall, like most kids there, we tended to flit between groups of mates, both male and female. 

Billy No Mates

I have been Billy No Mates in the past.

You might wonder whether this is just another silly name I have invented for myself. It’s not really.

In the UK (and possibly other places) becoming “Billy No Mates” refers to situations where you find yourself on your own in a pub, in a restaurant, at a gig or some other social gathering potentially feeling self-conscious because, in your head, you think that everybody else enjoying the company other people and when they see you sitting on your own in the corner, they will laugh or feel sorry for you. 

“Look at him. He’s got no friends. HA HA HA!”

“I feel sorry for old Bill No Mates in the corner there on his own.”

The thing is that work sometimes made sure that it was difficult to avoid becoming Billy No Mates before I retired. I may have mentioned that I used to work on airport IT systems, which meant that I was often asked to fly abroad for days and sometimes weeks at a time to work with the system on site. Most of the time, I travelled with colleagues and a lot of the time, I was entertained by the customers concerned. I don’t mean that they got up and started singing and dancing – they just took me out for meals. 

However, sometimes it was just me. 

When I started travelling abroad I was still quite shy and reserved and if I ended up on my own in those early years, I was tempted to simply go to McDonalds and take my Big Mac Meal back to my lonely old hotel room and sit there on my bed munching away and feeling sorry for myself. The problem was that I had a meal allowance and as time went on I started thinking to myself that perhaps I should take advantage of this and go out to a restaurant. 

And so I did and over the years, as Billy No Mates, I’ve actually just enjoyed meals in sometimes crowded places, watching other people, listening to other conversations and not feeling that self-conscious at all. There comes a point when you realise that being Billy No Mates in such situations is fine and also can be enjoyable. 

Initially, when I plucked up the courage to do it, I used to take a book with me and read it while I was waiting for my meal. That all stopped on a trip to Toronto, Canada. I had the weekend off so, as Billy No Mates, I decided to spend Saturday exploring Toronto and Sunday exploring Niagara Falls. On Saturday, I forgot my book, which was annoying at first, but then I realised that having lunch in a coffee shop and a lovely evening meal in a lively Toronto restaurant was actually just as enjoyable as getting lost in a good book. The restaurant I chose in Toronto had a lively bar attached to it, and I thoroughly enjoyed sampling a couple of Canadian beers and just people watching as I ate. Nobody stared at me and nobody laughed. In fact, the waiters and waitresses stopped to chat a couple of times. 

On Sunday, I spent the whole day in Niagara and had a great lunch. On the way back, an old lady sat next to me on the bus (which was really a special airport taxi) and gave me her life story. She was going back to the UK for the first time for fifty years and was very nervous about it. I did my best to reassure her and, when we arrived at the airport, where I was also staying, I took her to the check-in desks and made sure that she got a boarding pass. She took me for a coffee by way of thanks and I escorted her to the departure lounge. She was most grateful.

I’ve even been on my own in Moscow in the middle of winter. During the three week trip, I was staying at an airport miles away from the city but close enough to get there by train. Armed with my Russian phrasebook, I managed to catch a train and navigate the amazing underground subway system. I found a Mexican restaurant I had been to before with a colleague on a previous trip, and I enjoyed a lovely Mexican meal while watching a live Russian band performing rock music, all washed down with a couple of Baltika beers. There was even an argument in there between a couple and although I couldn’t understand a single word they were saying, it was entertaining. 

All this brings me to the point of this post, which I am reaching in a roundabout way. 

One thing that helps if you find yourself on your own in a pub or restaurant, whether you are actively being Billy No Mates or just waiting for somebody who is delayed, is to have your phone with you. I recall one night when I was in Hong Kong alone, again on a work trip, when I decided to go to a couple of places where Mrs PM had been to when we lived there for three months. In fact it was my very last work trip to Hong Kong. This was not a smartphone but it had a camera and a couple of games so it kind of passed the time. Mrs PM and I would go to a bar called Delaney’s in Wan Chai and then have a meal in a Mexican restaurant called La Placita in Causeway Bay. For old times sake, I wandered into Delaney’s only to find that the bar had moved. I sat at the bar with a beer and chatted to Mrs PM via text. It felt like I wasn’t alone at all. Later, I went to find La Placita but it too had closed. Instead I went to an American diner we had visited a couple of times and again, I chatted via text to Mrs PM, saying how disappointed I was that La Placita was closed. And I was barely aware that I was Billy No Mates – even though I was. 

Since then, phone technology has exploded and just about everybody you see has one. They are far more than just a phone and almost everybody has become reliant on them – myself included. However, this appears to have had a negative effect. What you see now is people in bars and restaurants spending their time engrossed in their phones even when they are with people. It seems a lot of people want to become Billy No Mates, ironically even if they are with their mates. 

I’ve mentioned this before but there was one recent example I saw in a local pub. Three young people were sitting at a table and they were clearly together. All of them were totally absorbed in whatever was on their phones and nobody was talking, that is until one of them ran out of beer and asked whose round it was. They all chose to be Billy No Mates even though they were together. What was the point of being out with friends if all you can do is spend your time on your phone?

It’s crazy. 

I still become Billy No Mates occasionally these days and when I do I use my smartphone to entertain me if necessary. But if I am waiting for a friend in a pub, say, the phone is returned to my pocket the very moment they arrive. 

These days, the only time I become Billy No Mates is when I am waiting for somebody or on public transport on my own. That said, I am quite happy to go to the cinema on my own for example. The same applies to rock concerts. I have a group of mates who all love a bit of rock music and we tend to all go together but occasionally I have to go on my own if the band concerned is more progressive. And I don’t mind that either. For example I have in recent years happily become Billy No Mates to see Riverside, Rush, Porcupine Tree and Dream Theater because I’m the only one out of our group that likes them.

I guess the moral of the post is that It's okay to become Billy No Mates but I’m not sure that becoming Billy No Mates when you are out with friends because of your smartphone is cool really. 

You can’t beat a real conversation with a human being.